Monthly Archives: April 2010

Healing with Love.

Wrote last night April 29th:

I feel so inspired. So connected to source. I feel full of gratitude. Trusting. Listening.

Today was amazing. There was a number of times I felt blessed with challenges in communication, having breakdowns and seeing breakthroughs. Today, I felt an emotion and stayed with it longer. Today, I breathed instead of reacted. I was patient and I waited for the wisdom to come through me. What should I do? Who am I “being” about this? Do I really want to have coffee(no)? What do I want to eat? Am I really hungry? Do I want to react? Why am I feeling distant all of a sudden?

I was inspired by the healing that comes from love. Someone told me to “fuck off” today. I was triggering something within her and raising a question that was uncomfortable. I also realized that maybe I raised the question because something within her triggered me and I was reacting to it, although I was really trying not to say anything! (stuffing my emotions). After she told me to fuck off, I thought about how we were going to have to talk about it and for a moment, I had the need to talk about it right away. Then, I decided to let her/it go and give it space. “Maybe she can reflect on why she told me to “fuck off”,” I thought. However, what would that have done? it quite possibly would have left her bearing negative emotions of feeling bad and guilty about herself. Not wishing that upon her, I was suddenly drawn to hug her, in which she openly received…

The presence of love reminded me that it is love that heals. After that hug and space between words, we both softened and realized we had both reacted to something that was triggering us, although nothing really having to do about the other.

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Working to transform my relationship to food and body image

I have a relatively sour relationship to food this past year. I am hard on myself and I find myself constantly looking in the mirror to see if I gained weight.

Whether i’ve gained weight or not, however, the actual disservice that I am doing to myself are having the negative emotions that go along with not listening to my intuitive side, that gift from source. Because even if I did gain weight, if there was no negative emotion, all I would have left is the clarity that I want to lose weight (for example). I realize that when I don’t listen to what I want deeply, I feel guilty, ashamed, and afraid. These emotions are toxic, so not only might I be physically hurting myself by…eating when I’m not hungry, but spiritually as well. When my spirit is suppressed with these toxic emotions, I lose having an affect on how much love I can give- both myself and others. Invariably,this feeds into the distorted image that I created when I was a child, that for some reason, I’m not good enough. These feelings themselves takes a toll on my mental and physical health as well, creating an endless cycle.

Not listening to what I “should/shouldn’t” eat—-> Negative emotions guilt and shame—>suppressing spirit—-> lack of presence—-> more negative emotion: depressed and sad, disappointed, frustrated—->”I’m not good enough” (feeding the belief)—->eating too much, not listening to my body…and then back to the beginning.

Ultimately, this not listening to my body, at the root, gets created when I am not trusting that source will take care of me, There is a part of me that is afraid of what “reality” will present to me. I have a difficult time surrendering to the lack of control that “I don’t know what is in my own best interest” and I do not trust in every moment that the other reality, the one that is not seen, the reality of source, always provides if I (we) listen.

At my core, however, I do believe this…so there has got to be another aspect.

I remember when I was at an open seat at Esalen. I was talking about my internal struggles around eating gluten, when it didn’t make me feel good. I didn’t eat gluten everyday while I was at Esalen, but there were days when, on impulse, i would have a piece of carrot cake or something sweet and then I would feel guilty about it the whole day..

The therapist said something along the lines of “could it be that eating the gluten is serving you in the moment for some reason.” and then he made a clear example of a girl who cuts herself to numb herself from feeling the pain of her family…

So I thought about that and weeks later, I realize that it isn’t until I change my relationship to eating that I will transform my negative emotions around food. (Because sometimes my body really is telling me to have something that I know is likely to not serve me). So instead of resisting, because what resists persists, as was revealed to me, I am choosing to choose differently. I am choosing to eat for nourishment.

The past few days I have been setting more intentions around food and listening to my body, eating for nourishment. I notice that this intuitive voice has been louder lately and I haven’t been drinking or even desiring coffee very much. While I was at Esalen, I was having it like everyday! Now, as I listen, my body is saying to have wheatgrass and salads and less grain and so I’m just doing that. It feels really good! I feel guided. I am guided! Thank you Spirit!

So I’ll accept and acknowledge myself today for what I have done and I’ll take it one day at a time…

It is a process and I am taking great strides.

Affirmation:

I surrender. I do not know what is my own best interest (Thanks Jator!)
I am surrendering.
I trust you Great Spirit will lead me to the way you want me as long as I listen.
I eat for nourishment.
I am grateful!

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The Humble Pie: Staying vulnerable

The Humble Pie.

It is awesome how I ask the universe for something and then there it is, ready for me to see if I am really ready for the challenge. On my vision album I pasted a girl lookin’ crazy with a big gap in between her teeth, smiling really big, along with a design of a funny face made out of vegetables. On the page I wrote, “Self Expression” and “Embracing Humility.” “I am playful. I am light-hearted. I am free.”

I realize that writing about the transformational process of emotions has to include breakdowns and breakthroughs, as well as humility on my part. This leaves me feeling vulnerable and it is scary because others’ might use information against me and what if I get hurt. Another thing that comes up is that I do not wish to energize or create a self-perpetuating fear by sharing what my insecurities are.

However, if transformation is what I am up to then there is nothing else to be but authentic about my experience and raw with my emotion. Right? Sounds good, because whoever stays in my life will be those that are my friends. They will resonate with me and they will be the strongest reflection of how I want to see myself and others, as love. They will resonate with me because in some part they will see a piece of themselves and I will see a piece of myself within them.

For those that wish to use my vulnerabilities against me, then it is a practice of love- self-love, for in them, I get to see the part of myself that rejects who I am and makes it easy therefore to reject and judge others.

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They rise and then they fall

Must I sit for hours in meditation to overcome the things that hinder me from presence? I do notice that I feel most connected, most balanced after I have spent quality time with what I call “practice” or “loving myself,” that is intentional time/space to connect with ONE. I do this through prayer, visualization, imagery, service to others, tarot reading and reflection, breathing, self-massage, dancing and yoga. Sometimes drawing, singing…

Even so, I am generally very reflective…that means, my mind is usually active.

I could probably meditate more, but we’ll see.

Emotions will arise.

And then they will fall.

I’m learning.

I trust.

I am patient.

I am love.

Jack Kornfield, Obstacles and Vicissitudes in Spiritual Practice. Spiritual Emergency


Notes:

The practice of working with our emotions is to allow them to arise and to observe them with awareness, to let them be/go. Living in the present moment with concentrated attention (meditating).

Or subliminate it meaning to take that energy of difficulty and use it outwardly or inwardly.

Example:

Outward: Exercise, do something different

Inward: Do exercises for moving energy within the body

The 5 hindrances to being present according to Budhist teaching:

1. desire and wanting

2. aversion- anger and dislike, judgement and fear- (states that push away experience)

3. sleepiness dullnes and lethargy (or resistance to experience)

4. agitation and restlessness of mind

5. doubt- “it’s not possible” “I can’t”

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Mirror Mirror on the Wall.

Through you, I saw myself.

Exactly what I was doing, you were doing to me.

My mirror.

And I saw myself react.

I saw myself pretending, protecting.

I didn’t want to feel.

This emotion.

This vulnerability.

This fear…of you seeing this part of me.

This insecurity.

I reacted through that filter of

“I’m not good enough”

“He doesn’t think I’m good enough”

I realize there was no real reason to think this.

although, perhaps you were feeling something you weren’t sharing and I sensed it.

I can sense these things.
I know you can too…

What a gift.

Cause You see this mirror too.

You perhaps reacted too.

I can not speak for you.

I do not know…

You are my mirror.

I am grateful.

This is transformation.

Transformation is possible when we

stay authentic to our experience, know matter how scary.

When we experience the emotions.

When we release the emotion.

when we dig a little deeper behind the emotion.

there is a thought. a belief.

Until we acknowledge this thought, this belief.

We will continue to blame. To react.

It’s never about the other.

I am so grateful.

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Gossip and the Diminishing of our quality to be with what is.

Gossip and Diminishing ONE’s Qualities of Being in Another:

I do not wish to slander words of anyone.

I desire to speak kind words only.

I do not need to talk about others.

I do not need to share other people’s experiences.

There is no need.

If you catch me talking about someone.

It is only because I have insecurities within myself.

What we see in others, we strengthen in ourselves.

If you catch me talking about someone.

Please remind me of that.

Please do not gossip with me.

I do not need validation of the other being worthy of diminishing.

At my core, I do not believe this.

Silence gets mirrored back to me.

My insecurities get mirrored back to me in silence.

I must learn to be with these emotions.

I must learn to allow them to pass.

To look within.

Not without.

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The Journey is in Healing Emotions

Originally I created this blog for Project Food and Farm Retreat. Project Food and Farm Retreat is healing though connecting to farming as a way of life and healthy food. This passion sprung from hearing that small, family farms are at risk of losing their livelihoods and the strong desire to learn and connect others to self-reliance. Two years or so later, I have converted this page into what I am calling my journey to wholeness. While project food and farm retreat was an exciting adventure that I might return to in the future, what I am most drawn to right now is healing through my emotions and assisting others in there emotional and spiritual development.

Ironically, my interests in healing have seemed to have much less emphasis on food these days. Within the past year, I realize that my relationship to food has shifted, as I work on my emotional attachments to certain foods and habits that I’ve learned do not serve me. It is through emotions that transformation to relationship is possible, that is- relationship to food, sex, people, habits, and most importantly, to love.
I call this Resonating with One: the Journey to Wholeness, because negative emotions
stem from a feeling of disconnect to source, which is One. When the presence of source- God or Great Spirit, the light- is acknowledged, trust and faith are restored and healing is possible. Even so, the journey takes patience and the challenges sometimes seem insurmountable. This blog is my personal journey and process to find the presence of One in everything and everyone, no matter how difficult and challenging the circumstance, no matter how strong the negative emotion or belief…
The key is to remember that:
Life is a Series of Processes!

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