Monthly Archives: May 2010

Stretching is BIG.

What a great day! I feel so full! Maybe it is all the wheatgrass I’m having. I’ve just been on fire all day. Not overanalyzing and getting in my head so much. Today, I am an invitation for others to know me. Today, for example, I sat by this person, an acquaintance, I haven’t seen in a while and we talked. I really didn’t want to; I get anxiety sometimes around people, especially when it is one-on-one; although many people wouldn’t guess it. lol. Spontaneous is good, but when I get in my thoughts and think about spending time with someone I haven’t spent time with, I get nervous and I wonder if I’ll be seen and accepted for who I am. “Will they be o.k. if I have nothing to say?” is a question that often pops up.

I realize that really the empowering thought to this is, “Can I be o.k. if I have nothing to say? Am I o.k. with who I am and where I am at to accept myself in this present moment, in front of this person?” I make the choice to stretch and when I do, I never regret it. However, usually when I open myself up to another person, it is because I am really loving myself. When I am not loving myself, I want to close up and I am less in my body and heart. More in my thoughts.. Interesting. What I see is what I get. Amazing.

My yoga teacher today invited us to shake and kind of dance on our mats. I giggle at the thought of Elise Lorimer’s sense of humor. She said as she was making some crazy movements, “I’ll be bold. So you can be bold.” YES! Mmmm. Humility. It’s still a challenge to bring that goofy side of me out in front of most people. I accept that it is not a key character trait, but I really appreciate when I feel so free that I can just make an ass out of myself and not care. That sense of caring of what people think registered in me when I was a child. I realized this during therapy last week. Earlier in the week, I had a visualization of my head being smashed down. This is triggering sadness in me, so I’m going to take a moment to breathe before I go further…

I’m just going to share myself deeply because maybe this is me embracing humility, maybe this is what free looks like. I saw myself being slammed down, pushed down by an object and I couldn’t get my head up. It is a sad feeling and it triggers painful memories during childhood, but I believe I am getting encouragement from the heavens to process this further. I really think I battle most with self-esteem issues, not thinking I’ll be good enough. Fortunately, I am conscious and strong enough to not accept these visions as reality and I am grateful for the insight.

Full of gratitude and warmth inside. I love loving me.

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I wrote this a few days ago.

Today is beautiful. I am making more efforts to hanging out and accepting more people into my life. It’s still kind of difficult to create a deep and lasting relationship which in many ways I long for. I really desire to have more close friendship(s); I know that in order to have this, I would need to make myself more available and be an invitation for others to know me. I’m so use to having someone around- lover or friend- that really knows me. When I think these thoughts, I feel lonely..so I am acknowledging how important friends are in my life and am doing my best to reach out and be with them!

I also realize that maybe it is just not Gods plan for me to cultivate my relationships right now (?). I know that space is good for me and a level of autonomy is needed for me to learn more about myself and go deep within. It definitely plays a part.

Balance.

I am seeing how I create and by doing so, I am creating more possibility for myself these days. I am seeing that there are infinite possibilities and it depends on how I react. I am noticing when I am judging. I am present to gratitude and the abundance in my life, despite some circumstances that I wont share. lol. I am noticing what excites me. I am giving space where it is needed. I am reaching out instead of going in. I am shedding old ways of being and am exploring myself.

Right now, I am looking for a flute to purchase! I’m so excited about it! I would love to join in circles and make music with people, but what I love about the flute is also that it is simple, beautiful, and I can play it anytime.

In class today, I asked my teacher to lead me in a song. I know he loves singing cause I took a class with him before. We didn’t sing long but it was soo uplifting. I’ve been feeling called to play an instrument and I just love to sing..although I often only know a line or two of a song (lol). I’ve been listening to the flute on cd and I’m just so much more excited about it. Integrating flute music to my practice will be a great addition.

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Loving myself through non-judgement of others

If I choose to focus on another persons’ mistakes, incompatibilities, and drawbacks, I am creating them as such and in turn, confining myself to my own limitations. “What we see in others, we strengthen in ourselves.” If I judge others, I am not giving them the space to be who they are in the present moment, to learn from their mistakes, and to grow and evolve out of their past. If I do not grant others the freedom to be who they, how can I expect to break from the confines of my own negative beliefs about myself and accept who I am?

I am beginning to see that loving myself is loving and accepting others as they are. It is common to want to put people in a box, to define who they are as being a certain way. I realize how limiting this is however. If I look for a “weakness” in another, I am likely to focus on their weakness as a problem in my relating to them. If I use judgement to define a person, I am likely to lose sight of the essential qualities within them and miss out on experiencing them as they truly are. When I lose sight of their presence, it is natural that they lose sight of my presence. They too begin to judge. The story is self-perpetuating. When I judge another, I am met with the same energy.

Ironically, I can’t stand being put in a box. For a month, I changed my name so that I didn’t feel constrained by the limitations people had about me (and I had about myself). I realize how confining and inhibiting it is to feel judged. I also realize how liberating and free I feel when I am witnessed in the eyes of another not judging me. This seems to be a perfect example of how I project my fears onto others and how my thoughts and beliefs get mirrored back to me. To me, it is a lesson and a sign.

We are one.

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To love whole-heartedly is to acknowledge old wounds.

A friend just sent me this poem. ;)Thank you. I think it is a beautiful poem, describing what many people might call “the dark night of the soul,” the journey which acknowledges the painful experiences in one’s life as they seek to grow spiritually.

It is difficult to believe that their is such a thing as a “perfect” life. I remember at Esalen, Dorothy Charles, described depression as stemming from “an accumulation of ungrieved losses.” While I think it’s important to focus on the light, I also think it is equally important to acknowledge the darkness, the pain, the sadness. It is a process unraveling. A process necessary if one wishes to heal their old wound and love whole-heartedly.

Alone
(1830)
by Edgar Allan Poe
(1809-1849)

From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were – I have not seen
As others saw – I could not bring
My passions from a common spring –
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow – I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone –
And all I loved – I loved alone –
Then – in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life – was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still –
From the torrent, or the fountain –
From the red cliff of the mountain –
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold –
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass’d me flying by –
From the thunder and the storm –
And the cloud that took the form
When the rest of Heaven was blue
Of a demon in my view. –

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Holding on to the illusion

It seems one thing came up for me yesterday around “finances.” I know that I have so much to be grateful for and my life is very abundant, full of resources I can tap into, a supportive and loving community that surrounds me, material wealth… Yet, I find myself financially insecure, focusing on my struggles that I do not have enough to pay for school and I have to wait. In waiting, I feel restless, impatient, and anxious in and around my heart center. O.k. I’m just going to take a moment to breathe…I have to wait. This impatience. This worry….

I often don’t want to rely on people. I suppose this stems from some thought or belief that I’ll be disappointed if I do or perhaps some belief that if I rely on people, I am troubling them. Probably I am projecting; I don’t want to bother people because I don’t want other people to bother me. Because even though I’m not alone, I for some reason feel alone sometimes.

Building upon an illusion of separation.

Because I don’t ask people for money/things, I feel separate.
I don’t ask people for money because I project that I’ll be in their way. I don’t want to bother them. “I am independent!”
I get tense when people ask me for money/things because a part of me dares to ask them for things. If I don’t ask, why should they?

The illusion of separation keeps us from seeing and experiencing life as one.

If I am one with the universe and all beings, I do not have to compete. If I do not have to compete to “get ahead” in life, I do not have to be more than I am right now. If we are one, I am already whole. I do not need more than I already have.

I am already whole, everything I learn, everything I do and practice, they are bonuses. I have all my needs met already. I do not have to get ahead in life.

(my personality wants me to defend right now. Wants me to question how that’s not so. Wants me to think about what’s lacking).

It’s funny. Yesterday, on my way to my girl friend’s house, I got a ticket for being on the phone. Wow. I thought. The universe is sending me signs. Be grateful. Look at all the things I have. I do not need to focus on money so much.

When I do, I feed the illusion of separation.

I could have killed someone talking on my phone. I could have lost my life…or a child’s life…or a mother’s life..Then, what would any of it have mattered?

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Imagery, guides, self-loving…

Today there were lo’s and highs. LOL. Actually, most of my days have some lo and some high. I don’t mind. I acknowledge that lo points are really just opportunities to look at myself. Both are gifts.

High points: Listening to my body, following my inner advisors, my guides. It will sound weird when I say this but when I’ve been doing yoga or at home practicing (looks many ways) lately, I see in the corner of my right aura this Indian man. Laugh. It sounds crazy I know…he doesn’t talk to me or anything but he watches me in approval and he guided me in my asanas. He has absolutely no judgement of me.

In a hypnotherapy session and a guided imagery class, I met two other advisors who have guided me. When I am quiet, sometimes I seek console from Calia. She is a medicine woman and she is always in her garden when I meet her. At first upon meeting her, Calia was like a mother. I remember her offering me tea in her medicine garden, saying to drink it, because it would help me to be more loving. :)Smile. Recently, I called upon her and sensed that I had grown into being more like her. She was more of a close friend, peer, and sister…

Even though I do believe there are spirits around and within us that exist, you do not have to believe in them to use imagery as a tool in healing. Like dreams, using images can be a great way of accessing the unconscious parts of ourselves, receiving information about our bodies, gaining insight as to what to do and redirecting our intention and mind to actually do them.

Exciting stuff!

Lo- time wasn’t really that bad though. Throughout the day, issues around self image came up. Not feeling pretty. Noticing blemishes here and there. I pulled the Page of Cups card, where the story of Narcisses came up. He is the guy who stared at his reflection in the pool and fell so in love with himself that he eventually “fell in” and died. I got insight from this card because it reminded me to recognize my worthiness and also that love starts with the self before it can be shared with others.

I love myself.
I love my body.
I love my heart/spirit.
I even love my blemishes!
I love my mind.

Life is a series of processes.

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Work: My relationship to making mistakes with imagery.

I help to create my experience through my thoughts, actions, and attitudes. Transforming my relationship to making mistakes and feeling “bad” through the help of imagery.

Visualization for today:

I am working and I am making mistakes. I am frustrated; I have spilled some soup on someone. Although, I at first feel bad, I realize that I made a mistake. I breathe. I realize that everyone makes mistakes. I am not perfect. Source does not expect this of me. I apologize and I feel lighter, as I clean. I can not change having made the mistake. Feeling bad does not serve me or others. Later, I make another mistake and my manager points it out to me. At first I feel scared, tense in my shoulders. I breathe. Suddenly though, I reflect back and notice all the little mistakes I have made in the day, all the things I had forgotten to do. I feel scared again and panicked. I breath into this fear, fear of losing my job. Now my fear has shifted to anger. I hold an acupressure point to let go, along with CV 17, Sea of Tranquility, to breath better (see below for reference). I ask my manager if I can take a break but he says I have to wait. I do not like how he is looking at me. I am breathing. I am feeling the fear and the anger very strongly now however. I breathe into my lower abdomen, holding my breath…5 breaths to inhale, 15 breathes I hold, and 10 breathes to exhale. I am moving around but slowly. consciously. I am only talking when I have to but I am doing my best. I acknowledge myself for breathing. It is helping. I am letting go. The energy is dispersing. I am cool. I am still holding the points whenever I find my hands free. Except now, I hold GB14, Yang White with CV17. “I am balanced. I am clear.” I say to myself. I notice myself being more present, forgetting about the mistakes and the fear and anger. Finally, I get to go on break.

More breathing. I am sitting and I am still. I feel into my body. I realize that I have not lost my job. I recognize that I have a lot to offer. I am worthy. I am strong. I have integrity. There is a reason why I am here. I can go back to work and I am present and doing much better.

REFERENCE:

CV!7 Sea of Tranquility: At the center of the sternum at the level of the heart. Gently press directly onto the sternum. This point is great for balancing emotions of anguish, grief, loneliness…it nourishes the heart and opens up the breath.

Lung 1 Letting Go: on the upper, outside portion of the chest, in the depression three finger widths below the collarbone. Good for difficult breathing, chest tension, emotional holding, grief, and letting go…

To stay present, lightly press

GB 14, Yang White, on forehead, one fingers width above the eyebrows, directly about the pupil when the eyes look forward. This is great for clear thinking and emotional balance, face and neck holding/tension.

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