Monthly Archives: November 2010

Falling in love/ self-love

I believe I am falling in love.
Does it mean anything…?
I will just let myself be with this experience.
My heart open. Grateful. Vulnerable. Scary. Joyous. Desirous.

Stay present.

I let go of what it means.
I let go of expectations.
I surrender to whatever it is.

I do not know what is in my own best interest.
I only “know” that this is a practice in self-love and being present to love’s presence.
A strong mirror perhaps. A reflection of myself. Yes.
This is not selfish love.
It is relating with purpose.
It is relating to know self- God.
It is a choice.

So I remind myself
to stay authentic to me.
while keeping an open mind. an open heart.
Firmly rooted in intention and purpose.
The purpose which is to see God. To see Love.
To see the reflection of myself.

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Emotional balance during challenges

The past 2 days were bumpy, as I noticed myself in my thoughts more. Thoughts about scarcity, not being enough, as well as feeling sad and broken hearted about friendships.

I comforted myself a great deal yesterday, knowing that I am never alone, acknowledging that friendships on the material plane of reality are an illusion anyway. What does it matter if I or a friend emotionally distance from each other? Does it mean anything? Perhaps only that ego was driving the relationship. A friend wants to be more than platonic friends, there is no reciprocity, one perhaps is left frustrated and needs distance…all to serve the ego, but perhaps for respectable reasons. He said, “I have to let go.” “I don’t feel special.” I said, “ok,” and I was fine with it, except perhaps, it opened his very same wound in me. “I don’t feel special.”

I can find humor in that. After all, I can relate to how frustrating it is to NOT have my desire to feel special fulfilled by another person. So- I’m swallowing good medicine.

The challenge really is in staying open-hearted to new and developing friendships, despite ego’s desire to fulfill a need to feel special.

Practices for emotional balance:

I trust.
I surrender.
I am one with God.

A calming, warm bath with aromatherapy for the heart center.
A walk in the cool night with fresh air.
Alternative nostril breathing- 10 minutes+
Meditation, holding acupressure points. 11 min +
Reading with purpose to understand self.
Yoga
Visualization to elevate the heart. Good Eagle medicine.
Listening to body, to go home and nurture self- despite fulfilling what I “have to” or “should be” doing
Turning my phone off and cutting off communication to focus on myself.

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To emit sexual energy without a clear intention

Ahh- another thing to learn about myself.

Many people, I have heard, have thought that I want to date them or sleep with them.
Almost always, it is not the case.
What is it about me that gives people this vibe?
________________________________________________

There will continue to be imbalanced sexual energy between men and women, until we strive for the the balance within ourselves. This im-balance comes from first, our 2nd chakra, the sacral chakra or sex chakra. The 2nd chakra is concerned with emotion and desire. Until we work on cleansing the distorted perceptions that drive ego, our emotional stability will be dependent on a desire to feel special. Thus, our actions will be based in our desire to satisfy the ego. If it is balanced, we will have a sense of accepting and allowing and we will desire to share with others. An imbalanced 2nd chakra will perpetuate worry and anxieties about fears that come from a lack of confidence in self and one’s abilities.

If our 2nd chakra is out of balance, we will more likely REACT from our 3rd chakra, the solar plexus chakra. Our ego will be wrapped up in feeling special, rather than seeing oneness. We might relate to others insecurely and manipulate sexually, in order to fuel our ego-ic drive…
____________________________________________

Hmm.

Admittedly, I have strong sexual urges. I believe it is a part of my genetic make-up and also a tool for creative endeavors that I am just now starting to understand. However, I am seeing that my relating may either drive sexual urges in others, without my intending to do so, and perhaps even have people question my intentions.

I also know that I am very loving and warm and I like to be psychically close to people. In a balanced society, perhaps, my actions, my affection, would be sisterly and it would catalyze others to feel secure within themselves about their sexuality. Even if so, I have to take responsibility for projecting sexual desires unto other people, without consciously intending to do so. I see this is perhaps a response coming from an imbalanced 2nd and 3rd chakra. My journey to understand myself, feel confident in my abilities and explore my creative potential is still unfolding. Perhaps I grasp for a sense of security within myself outwardly onto others. I emit sexual energy because, it is there, existing within me, however, not yet fully, creatively expressed.

I am learning about boundaries. I am learning about holding space and loving, while keeping my sexual energy for myself to be used for creative endeavors.

I am emotionally balanced.
I am sister.
I am creative energy.

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Progress.

Busy like a bee.
Standing tall like a tree.

Exploring my horizons.
“Who am I?”

Knowing when it is time to be alone.
Relishing times when I am home.

“Who am I?”

Living in the truth.
Yet, still noticing judgments.
I let them go quickly
the seeds hardly sow.

“Who am I?”

I am Content.
I am Inspired.
I am letting go.

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Uncertainty

I asked God today, “how can I know that I will be provided for?”

God answered, “Fall.”

That’s tough!

How I see this happening, however, is in taking risks. I keep saying “yes” to things that I am not getting paid for. I have a job, but I am working less and devoting my time to studies, practice, and school.

Big breath. Trusting in the unfolding of what i don’t know. Destiny!

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When a stream enters a river

Refining my practice.

Sound meditation.

Mantra.

echo the vibration of love, creation, and power.

Never to be abused.

Always looking within.

My words are only true, if they resonate with the self.

My judgments are only valid if they help others.

Cleanse me.

I notice: blame—> Projection.

Ego thinks it’s right.

Intuition about others?

To know and see a situation for what it is and yet, to accept others for who they are in the moment.

I could be wrong.

Who knows?

Thoughts create through words.

“Speak right.”

Have integrity.

Choosing my words.

Give me time.

Take my time.

No need to hurry.

Love.

“Is this love that I am speaking?”

Fearless.

Noticing…words like, “Be careful.”

Uncomfortable. I hear fear.

“Be mindful.”—> that is wisdom.

Yes- be present and mindful.

I notice.

Nuerosis.

Everyone has it.

Ego doesn’t see it though.

Insanity and consciousness.

Insanity is created by ego. A defense.

Let it go.

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Freedom: Just "be."

HA! A powerful lesson to see.
Thoughts create through words.

Just be.

I created some non-sense, a single thought became a word.
I reacted. I felt guilty.

Just be.

Thinking it would set me free.
I tricked myself. Cause I actually felt heavy, less free.

Just be.

I was looking outside of myself.
Forgetting that I could…
Just be.

The medicine of Coyote teaches about humility and our ability to notice when we are being tricked and laugh. I am grateful.

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