Monthly Archives: December 2010

Advice: "Good" medicine or "bad" medicine?

An aspect of myself that I have difficulty accepting is my need to advise. The humiliating part is that I do not even notice when I am advising and I have to be with the discomfort that I do this oftentimes unconsciously. “How annoying?” I think that must be.

The blessing is that I get to pay more attention to distinguish:

Am I sharing? Is what I have to say coming from personal experience?
or
Am I advising? Is what I want to say based on a perception of what I think would be helpful for another person?

I know this will be a good challenge for me. A challenge in sacred listening. A challenge in trusting that we are the commanders of our own destiny and all is as it should be. A challenge in being accepting- of myself and others.

I am eager to share tools cause I want to help ourselves heal from the lies and distortions we were taught through conditional love. Admittedly, I am on this path as well. However, I need to let go of the idea that I can help people who do not want my help or ask for it. I can only focus on myself; I can only focus on what comes up for me in the moments that I want to advise to meet “my” challenges. I also see what is “good” medicine could be “bad” medicine depending on one’s perception; as well as the opposite, what is “bad” medicine could be very helpful for someone. It all depends on how we relate to the things we do; therefore, if I seek to advise when I am not asked, I could potentially just be serving “bad” medicine, contrary to what I want.

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Inspiration through Kindness

January 10th 2011

Give thanks to kindness.
When people are kind they are essentially living without fear.
They are living courageously.
For to be kind, we are giving people the opportunity to be themselves in the moment.
We are accepting and we are present enough to see that “there are no others.”

It is a constant practice.
Lets say opportunity.
Give thanks to kindness.
For in every moment, we can reach out and ignite.
We inspire.
Through light and love
-may we all inspire.

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Denial: darkness// violent crimes


Janauary 5th, 2011

I like to deny that there are such things as evil; although, I am firm in my belief that everyone is good at their core. The other day, I was again at odds with this knowing, when I got a hotline call from a disabled survivor of rape. She was assaulted a couple of days before and was experiencing a great deal of fear and physical pain. Apparently, disabled and handicapped survivors of sexual assault and rape are much more common than one might fathom. Indeed, sexual abuse is one of the most widely unacknowledged acts that traumatize individuals and communities throughout life.

Because this blog is about resonating with one, I seek to see how someone like me can do such a terrible act. The belief is that it is not possible. I am too aware of the love that lives inside of me and others. So, perhaps it is that perpetrators of rape and other crimes do such things because they are not aware of the love inside of them.

Perhaps they hate themselves.

Perhaps, the perpetrators are surrounded by violent crimes. They watch it on t.v., see it in movies, in the newspapers, maybe violence for them is the only thing they’ve learned about how to release their own fears. They release these fears through projection and manipulation onto others, for some sense of control which they lack. They want love but they don’t know how to ask without manipulating others.

Perhaps they are experiencing trauma somewhere held in their own bodies. Many perpetrators of sexual assault have been sexually assaulted at some time in there life. Maybe they are ashamed. Perhaps, they are unaware and have difficulty letting feelings pass through them so they act on their urges. They do not know how to deal with felt sensations.

Perhaps it is societal conditioning that influences sex offenders and other perpetrators to act on urge. The imbalance of the masculine and feminine aspects within each of us, which we often deny. We reward logic, sexuality, and reason and dismiss feelings and intuition.

Perhaps there are perpetrators who are conscious of their acts, they plan them out step by step, but like a drug, a tendency, or another “bad” habit, they choose not to feel or look deeply within themselves.

Perhaps perpetrators attract negative energies that, like a parasite, feed and live off of their weakness.

We are all animals, at least partly, acting sometimes on desire and impulses and sometimes not. I can resonate with all these possible “reasons.” I see: There are degrees to which we act, just like there are degrees to how balanced we are in any given moment.

I don’t really like to make excuses for people acting like animals, doing ugly things to hurt other people; however, I walk with Deer medicine, who teaches that unconditional love is loving both light and dark and that fear does not exist in the presence of love. If we want a solution to end violence, we have to stop denying that we are any different from those who act out in horrible ways. When we deny that we are one, we build on the illusion that we are separate and perpetuate fear out into the world.

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Life is full of choices.

4:00 a.m woke up for sadhana. I acknowledge all the little steps I take. I can’t remember ever getting up that early for myself and today I did. I did it for myself to strengthen my will and to create more harmony and balance within myself. I did it because I noticed an experience of guilt for having an “imperfect” practice, leading me to doubt myself.

Focusing on the guilt of past actions, often lead to worries about the future… however, focusing on the small stuff that we can do will help us see that life is full of choices. When we make choices that we later regret, there will always be opportunities to
make another choice that will bring us back to harmony. The first thing we can do is take responsibility for our choices. I remember noticing how free my friend Ryland was when he CHOSE a difficult situation that he was being presented with. This way of being completely inspires me to choose my experiences, despite the challenges, to free myself of the illusion that I am not free. Seeing choice also helps me to let go of the distorted belief that I am inherently “wrong”.

Focusing on what small steps can be made helps me to be more present to living in the now. I am much more inspired to learn through who I am being about things, and especially when I am being in integrity, that is when I am honest with myself. Because, even though I may not yet have the discipline or the lifestyle to get up every morning for sadhana, everything I do that reflects what is really important to me, such as devotion, commitment and love brings me back to harmony with who I am at my core.

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2011: Commitment and cultivation

This new year, I am committed to being completely in my own energy. Recognizing when I am and when I am not, continuing to learn energy boundaries to release the energies which are not mine. It is a practice. I am committed to self-care, self-love and cleaning my mirror. My path this year is to continue to learn and grow from all my experiences. My path right now is in cultivating the soil in which I dance through life.

The soil- is rich, healthy. I feed it good thoughts, with people that nurture creative ideas. I am curious about everything and therefore, I remain alert and always learn. I remain true to my internal convictions, that which resonates, listening according to what the soil needs in the moment. Inspiration is fed with good conversation, study, practice, and service. Even seemingly negative experiences have something to teach me. They go to the compost and get digested into fertile soil. I am dancing in the world: active. nourished. nurtured. Listening. Trusting. The earth supports me. God supports me. I know this and therefore, I can let go with more ease.

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Loneliness

I’ve noticed and been contemplating loneliness lately. I’ve been feeling/experiencing it, knowing however that it is just a feeling and not really true. I KNOW at my core that I am never alone and therefore this loneliness is illusion, like so much else. Everyone experiences it. We often wait to be saved. We distract ourselves from having this experience. We deny that it exists.

For what am I lonely of? Is it to be seen? To know that someone gets me? Walks beside me? To know that I am loved? To feel the presence of another? To experience intimacy? Or is it to be touched, experience affection? To know that I am wanted? I’ve created these thoughts, these ideas; however they are all attainable, they are already present. I can love and be loved, even when no one is in the room. In fact, no one else IS in the room. I see that I have been isolating myself; however, love is always present wherever I look.

I often choose to be to myself. I often choose to be non-committed and unattached. I want to be free and my choices reflect that cause i do exactly what I want, when I want. It is rare that I “have to” and I often don’t show up. I am authentic to myself about what I want; however, I am considering this loneliness, as a need for balance.

What do I want?

I want to show up more. I want to be out. I want to resonate with everyone.

So I am. I am showing up more. I am meeting new people. I am being an invitation for “others” to know me and for me to know “others.” I see us all wanting to be seen, we all experience feeling lonely. I know that I am loved and I am not afraid to invite or show up because I know that it matters, simply because I carry the attitude that it does.

In a tarot reading, I asked “how come this experience?” It created another realization that I hadn’t seen. My experience has been created from a “regret of past actions,” “guilt.” It is true, I have been feeling guilty that I have not looked into tickets or put much time or effort into seeing my family in Los Angeles. I haven’t gotten it together, even though I want to see them. I am afraid that they are going to make up a story about me and it will feed loneliness within them.

So with this realization, I must accept. I must accept that I may not see them. I must accept myself and not create stories. After all, they choose too. I must accept myself and where I am at and know within me that none of it means anything. I will see them. I stay present to what I can do and I honor my present limitations.

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Honoring Jesus through Forgiveness.

Jesus teaches about forgiveness, for even through abuse, ridicule, and torture, he had the space in his heart to forgive those who were doing him harm.

“Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.”

How many people can we forgive today? I believe Jesus would rather us honor his birth this Christmas by rejoicing in his teachings and forgiving one another, than through mass consumption of things. Every time we forgive another, we are healing ourselves of wounds and clearing space in our hearts for more love to enter. Every time we forgive another, we are clearing hurt in them, freeing them of guilt and creating opportunity for different ways of being.
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Forgive me Father, for I am afraid of my neighbor. The neighbors across the street, from where I heard shootings. Forgive me for it is difficult to see them- eye to eye. I do not want to look at them. I feel intimidated by them and I wish they did not exist. I want to cry for the people that know them, the innocent…at least the children.

“Fear not my child. For you are they and they are you.”

O.k. I remember when I, in school, fought for my protection. It was what I knew how to do, to react to criticism and meanness. I felt vulnerable and I fought because I felt this way. Like them, I fought for my protection because I felt threatened. Even though, I wasn’t ever really. It was ego. I know now. It was protection from my ego being hurt. If nothing real can be threatened, then what do I have to fear. I enjoy my body. I enjoy this existence; however, if I die, I will die in peace, believing that I will be an angel and if not, I will reincarnate until that time comes.

To them life is a battlefield.

Do I perpetuate their fear by calling the cops? Whom have guns? They create problems because they do not receive love. They may have been brought up into meanness and shame. They may be dealing with energies that are not even their own. They cause and create problems also because they do not know love.

Are cops loving?

Cops are afraid too. Fear perpetuates itself.

I pray for them and I pray for there protection and those too that they are
fighting. I pray for peace. I pray that they see and experience love. I pray to be a source of love, rather than a source of fear for them. I pray for guidance and protection.

I forgive my neighbors and I forgive myself for courting negative ideas about them.

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