Loneliness

I’ve noticed and been contemplating loneliness lately. I’ve been feeling/experiencing it, knowing however that it is just a feeling and not really true. I KNOW at my core that I am never alone and therefore this loneliness is illusion, like so much else. Everyone experiences it. We often wait to be saved. We distract ourselves from having this experience. We deny that it exists.

For what am I lonely of? Is it to be seen? To know that someone gets me? Walks beside me? To know that I am loved? To feel the presence of another? To experience intimacy? Or is it to be touched, experience affection? To know that I am wanted? I’ve created these thoughts, these ideas; however they are all attainable, they are already present. I can love and be loved, even when no one is in the room. In fact, no one else IS in the room. I see that I have been isolating myself; however, love is always present wherever I look.

I often choose to be to myself. I often choose to be non-committed and unattached. I want to be free and my choices reflect that cause i do exactly what I want, when I want. It is rare that I “have to” and I often don’t show up. I am authentic to myself about what I want; however, I am considering this loneliness, as a need for balance.

What do I want?

I want to show up more. I want to be out. I want to resonate with everyone.

So I am. I am showing up more. I am meeting new people. I am being an invitation for “others” to know me and for me to know “others.” I see us all wanting to be seen, we all experience feeling lonely. I know that I am loved and I am not afraid to invite or show up because I know that it matters, simply because I carry the attitude that it does.

In a tarot reading, I asked “how come this experience?” It created another realization that I hadn’t seen. My experience has been created from a “regret of past actions,” “guilt.” It is true, I have been feeling guilty that I have not looked into tickets or put much time or effort into seeing my family in Los Angeles. I haven’t gotten it together, even though I want to see them. I am afraid that they are going to make up a story about me and it will feed loneliness within them.

So with this realization, I must accept. I must accept that I may not see them. I must accept myself and not create stories. After all, they choose too. I must accept myself and where I am at and know within me that none of it means anything. I will see them. I stay present to what I can do and I honor my present limitations.

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