Monthly Archives: January 2011

A loved one.
To feel invaded as she.
What I thought- existential reality.
Must need 3 eyes to see.
I know nothing.
So little.
For you are so vast
what does she have to learn of this experience
but of her own identity?
I can not judge to know
infiltrate “her” reality with talk of a “spiritual emergency”
I let go.
because my thoughts delude me with a desire to see healing.
Is this an omen for the human family?
There is both fate and destiny.
Words such as “death” sometimes pervade me.
I do not believe they are my words.
What is left is wondering if they are “hers.”
So I sit to calm of this possibility.
That someone I love
may want to die.
And I am not prepared nor capable of this human condition to be alleviated by me alone.
But I do believe.
I believe.
In the power of collectivity and change.
The strength in knowing, there is healing.
The strength through experience that you are energy.
And energy is healing.
You are universal, omnipresent, always there.
Awareness grows.
Yes. Yes. I believe.


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The healing path.

This photo is from OSHO TAROT. “The Outsider.” I pulled it yesterday while at Om shan Tea house. It is of a boy who is behind a gated wall, looking to the other side. He thinks he is bound within the walls, however the gate is actually unlocked.

Spiritual practice is getting me present to all the neurosis that I am dealing within myself, such as that I am torn between tendencies and desires and knowing and trusting what is good for me at this time. Sometimes the path of healing does not seem to be healing at all, but I know that I am meant to learn from these experiences. I am clearing the perceptions that bind me and as I do so, I am faced with a great deal of spiritual tests.

It’s very challenging to consider that everything and everyone I encounter are really just aspects of myself. It is challenging to admit that I am “wrong” or responsible for things happening to me and it is even more challenging to see that I am responsible for other peoples faults, interpretations, and/or judgments of me. It is also a feat to experience solitude in a room full of people, to feel “different,” and yet know that I am not.

Through these experiences, I have will to learn and grow and yet I anticipate breaks that sometimes I am impatient about. They will come. As I use “my” tools for self-care, I breathe into the discomfort. Right now, I am drinking tea and writing these words to express my feelings and authentically share the challenges along the healing path. I share with strength and an inner knowing that this path is the way to wholeness. I am strengthened in this writing.

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When projection gets distorted.

Going out to a tea house. I FEEL beautiful. Then, my mind starts to question myself. Well- do I look good or is the way I feel just a figment of my imagination? Does anyone else think I look good?

It’s funny really. What does it matter if anyone else thinks I look good but me? This points me in the direction of that wounded side of myself that fragmented through the judgement of others when I was a child or perhaps before that. The times when I experienced not being accepted for who I am and fell into the belief that how I look on the outside is more important than who I am on the inside.

I like to look good. I like to express myself through beautiful projections of myself about how I feel on the inside. However, that gets compromised when I start doing these things for others and not myself. When I start to look good for others, I am masking my true identity.

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Why Heal?

Why Heal?
How much of us are in our own energy?
How many of us are affected by the energies of others and past situations, circumstances?
How often do we look at mental and physical dis-ease and relate it to spirituality?

So many of us day to day make choices that affect our health- mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. We are a whole system of energy. Remembering a wise quote by Yogi Tea, “we are spirit having a human experience.” How many of us in our day to day lives really remember this? 
It is easy to forget that we are actually living souls and that we are here on this earth to learn from our human experiences. When we die, do we really think that we no longer exist? Our physical body dies but do we think that our spiritual body dies too? Do we believe that the affect we had on this planet no longer has an impact? If we bring to mind Jesus, Martin Luther King, Ghandi, and anyone else whose physical bodies are gone but has impacted our life today, we can believe that their spiritual bodies actually are still vital within and outside of us.

So this brings to mind a larger question, how often do our choices day to day feed and nourish us spiritually? What impact does this have on others? On the planet? On our health?

Setting an intention to be on a path of healing is entering into a new paradigm, it is entering onto a path of wholeness. It is reconnecting to our soul, to who we are at our core. This is the foundation for good health. How many of us have tried to lose weight or to be liked, in order, to be accepted by society or someone? When we compromise our integrity by masking our true identity through the attachment and expectations of other people, we lose ourselves and disconnect with our essential qualities, our creative aspect. When we do this, we feed wounds rather than nourish them.

“I” believe that we are all wounded and that we are here to heal. Even though we may not stop to realize, anytime we are coming from fear, rather than love, we are feeding wounds of separation that we can heal from.

Healing is our birthright!

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Words from Swamiji
People who are nasty, irritating, annoying or who seemingly work against you, may have been sent in order to show you that you are intolerant, impatient, capable of ill will, spite, retaliation or a spirit of vengefulness. Unless you are provoked, how can you know what is within you?
The adaptation to be in the world and not of it. I’m hiding out, inward mostly. It’s the time. i accept. However I see the baggage has not been completely dropped, followed by fear of not being provided for. Is this not the greatest fear? I don’t know. I’ve been making myself wrong for any acting out of ego, I realize. I feared becoming delusional. I noticed within myself ego talking, acting with an agenda. I felt flooded with guilt. But now I am realizing, how else am I to choose differently without this awareness?

I have been acting with an agenda. I have been acting out of fear. I can surrender now. Now that I am aware of this, I can surrender and find peace in remembering that the present moment is all I have. I do not need to be ahead. I do not need to be anywhere other than where I am at in this moment. I just need to listen with my heart. The heart never lies.

Everything is perfect in this moment. I am who I am being in this moment. I love who I am. I choose my thoughts. I am healing. I desire the same for everyone. When I start comparing myself to others, I suffer. May we all be free of suffering.

Cut and pasted from email: kundalini teacher training.

“This adaptation requires 3 specific motions:

#1 Stillness: The motion of no motion, the ability to drop the baggage of the past
100%. You cannot give, if you have an agenda. This is the trap of vertical desire.
The desire to be just a little closer to the light than everyone else. This chasing
around to be the most devoted, the biggest groupie, is a distraction from drilling
the well. This first phase is the phase of the inner Buddha, the ability to vibrate
without issues. This is the skill of Sadhana.

#2 The gift of Humor: The Cosmic joke. The things you can’t laugh at are the areas
of attachment and regret.

#3 A frequency of service, a way to give, a way to connect as your authentic self.

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The fear of judgement

I had the experience of “feeling” judged today. I realize I am probably judged often; however, I am now seeing that judgement is just a part of the universal mind, the negative mind that ‘longs to belong’ and judges oftentimes, inappropriately, to protect itself when it feels rejected and/or scared.

Could it be that what we are dealing with is a projection? We are afraid of being judged because we are judging ourselves. We react defensively and unloving, to protect ourselves from the judgement that we are experiencing within ourselves.

I am becoming more and more accepting of other people’s judgement of me, recognizing that it is a fear within the One Self, more than it is a reality or truth. It is a tendency to judge that which we do not understand and to deny feeling vulnerable to our own internal conflicts. It is easy to project and to judge others because then we do not have to deal with our feelings and fears around being imperfect.

Instead of reacting to other people’s judgement, despite feeling uncomfortable, express gratitude; for if not for our mirrors, how are we to see ourselves?

I am grateful for being judged today and I release that judgement and I forgive myself.

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