I am authentic.
I realize, I am processing still from the shootings next door. I suppose I am afraid. I hear the shots still and they trigger me, they rattle my brain. I am letting go.
I am like the calm that is braving the storm. I feel everything and yet I am calm. Death feels so close and yet I do not know. I sit waiting, not knowing. I do not want to talk because I do not want to create more fear and yet, I feel the fear at my door. It is neither my friend nor my enemy. It just is and I have to be with and accept it.
I interact with co-workers and I see they are being that they are right. I see their need for control. I see the Emperor. I remind myself that this archetype also has a sunny side. I have to accept who we are being. I have to accept the ego-ic machine that we often, unconsciously, act from. I feel tired today. I have to accept. I am doing my best to stay present.
My friend cancels on me. I really wanted to see him. I know he loves me. I have to accept that he was being authentic to himself. I have to accept that he chose sleeping over hanging out with me. I have to accept.
So then I become present to longing. I wanted to see my friend because I have so much love to give and I feel safe to give it to him. I do not want to lead anyone on and I feel free to be myself with him, so I realize how much a part of me is not being expressed. I am present to generating joy. It is an illusion that relationship will free me. It is a want but not a need. It just is right now. The reserves within me somehow emerge and bubbles over, I feel peace. Then I notice the thoughts and they bring me back down. I remember to be present again. I am not my emotions. I am not my thoughts. I choose to be the give-away, generous. I focus my attention on outside. This is helpful. I hold points to stay balanced. I’m sure that I am not completely grounded but I am doing my best.
This too shall pass.