What have I been learning?
Lately, I have been learning trust. Trust in God.
My experience, for a time, had been working to process certain fears. I was afraid because often, I felt blank, “boring”, without words. I was aware of changes happening within me, a certain embracing of uncertainty, non-reactivity, an acceptance of not knowing anything. At the same time, I was kindof scared of this experience. As if the uncertainty and the not knowing was becoming me. As if I was losing my mind, without an opinion or answer to anything. It was an experience that got me to question my faith. I got present to the process of healing; the stage of bargaining. This is what we do when we feel helpless. When we feel things are going “wrong,” we bargain with God; however, fearing God at the same time.
God is nothing to fear. We were taught to believe that we are born of sin. The belief that we are sinners of this world creates guilt and we feel ashamed of the things we do because oftentimes, we do them out of habit and fear. However, I am learning and trusting that God does not know fear. To God, all that we ask in suffering in an illusion and therefore, it does not respond. Why would God respond to the illusionary world that we make up? If we can not see heaven, which is also here on earth, then we are still dreaming in what the Course in Miracles would call, “the tiny mad idea,” this idea that we are separate from God and from ourselves as creators. According to Gary Renard’s channeling of Arten in his book the Disappearance of the Universe:
“The awesome magnitude of the painful shame and acute guilt in your mind, resulting from what you believe you’ve done, appear to require an immediate and complete escape. So you join with the ego, and then the incomprehensible power of your mind to make illusions as a perceiver- rather than make spirit as a creator- causes the method of your escape to become manifest. At the point the ego, which you are not totally identified with, uses ingenious but illusory method of projection to hurl the thought of separation out of your mind, and you-or at least the part of you that seems to have a consciousness- appears to be projected right along with it.” pg 142
True awareness is seeing Self within creation. Rather than believe God and me are separate, the truth is God and I are ONE. The ego perceives while God creates. The ego fears, while God loves. When I start believing that I am separate from God, I build on this illusion of separation and fear.
Then I think of death and the importance of the body. I have been concerned about my kidneys and have been working to strengthen them. I wonder if I am doing enough and although I trust, there is that voice that says, I need to do more. There is that guilt that I am not doing enough. I am learning and believing God does not know this: “not enough.” It is my ego that thinks that I am not enough; however, in perfect timing, God acts. God speaks through me and guides me to what I need in the moment. Answers, signs, and help comes in many forms and its all God speaking to me. God is not the cause of my kidney deficiency, however, he is my intuition, the voice that signals for me to act accordingly.
God is all light.