I can appreciate one who has given me a dose of my own medicine. The gifts that I bestow, bestow onto me to teach me what I do not yet completely realize within myself, the gifts that I am meant to develop. I gather that this is true for anyone who aligns with Creator and pays attention, believing in the possibility that the unique gifts of one will be seen in “others,” in mirrors.
“Sit on my lap” he said. I was skeptical and curious at the same time. Is this man trying to manipulate me or is he really teaching me something? So I sat and felt his strength of his leg and I felt my fear of being led on. My mind going back and forth between safe and unsafe, coaching me to feel my fears and open my heart, as I flooded with judgement, fear and curiosity as to what I might learn. And then at one point, I got to be playful and I told him I just wanted to feel safe, so he encouraged it and I laughed. At the same time, still feeling the fear, the uncertainty.
Then I sat down, away from him, still unsure about whether I got anything out of the session. He told me because I am kinestetic, I would know more later and that the whole purpose of touch was for this. When I left, I felt still a sense of uncertainty and yet, also more free.
Upon awaking this morning, I realized that the experience I had last night was much to do with feeling my own fears, facing the unknown through the kinestitic experience of play, learning to feel my fears of being led on. I imagine this is the feeling of anyone who has been inappropriately touched or left feeling abandoned. The feeling and need for safety and security, at the cost of the aliveness of letting go and surrendering. The need and love of touch, while holding on to the false sense, the illusion of security. As I write, I can still feel the feelings, the fear, which tells me I still have feelings to process…