When relationships don’t last or never begin: the gift


Sometimes there is pain in relationships that do not last and/or never begin.  We, often, project our pain as a story that means something about who we are as deficient, flawed or otherwise less than or too much.  The pain from a relationship that doesn’t last or never begins usually entails an experience of a forbidden love, an unavailable emotional bond, and a lack of feeling special.  “Why can’t the other be available?”  “Do they not see?”  “Are they blind?”  “What is the problem?”  “What is wrong with me?”  “What is wrong with them?”

At times, we people, living the singled life, can frustrate ourselves with thoughts of the unrelenting love that just won’t show up in our lives.  Our emotions then create commotion in our lives that make it difficult to really be fully present to the power of now.

I have realized overtime that falling for unavailable men has been a great gift.  While it is admittedly heart wrenching at times to want to explore in partnership with another being of like-mind, who is not available, the value of falling for unavailable men has been extremely insightful, allowing me time to reflect and heal.

The gift that the emotionally unavailable offer:

1) Insight one:  Relationships aren’t available for good reason.  Many times, people carry emotional baggage/wounds from incomplete relationships.  When a relationship moves too fast, they pass them onto their lovers.  This makes it more difficult to realize purpose.

2) Insight two: In chasing the unavailable, the fantasy of them can become disappointing when they do become available.  This puts things in perspective that living in fantasy land is really not the most productive use of time and energy.

3) Insight three: Falling for the unavailable and realizing the above things helps us to become more present to life NOW.  We can notice when we are in fantasy land faster and so choose whether we really want to be in it or not.  Also, we become more accepting of what is and although we don’t know why the relationship didn’t work out, we can be more comfortable and trusting of the unknown.  I have found the application, “I do not know my own best interest,” from a course in Miracles to be extremely helpful in this context.

4) Insight 4: Falling for the unavailable brings up emotional material that is an opportunity to heal.  The fear of aloneness for example is an awareness that ultimately allows the spiritual warrior within to emerge, thus to be more capable of living alone, developing a more harmonious and healthy relationship within.  The awareness of our mistrust of being connected to a higher source or purpose, also, allows us an opportunity to shift our perspective into seeking a higher purpose; through this, we become inspired.

5) Insight 5: Falling for what’s not available and getting upset about it is a form of self-betrayal stemming from fear or a lack of feeling connected to One’s higher purpose.  When we idolize people to be more for us than they are, we leave ourselves.  We compromise the integrity of knowing who we are as with a purpose.  We forget that our higher purpose is guiding us in all that we do and leak energy for the sake of thinking someone else is better.  Self-betrayal stems from mistrust in Source and fear of the unknown.  When someone is not available, then it is helpful to consider that it is because their higher purpose does not serve our own at the time.  When relationships are meant to work out, then they do; there is a sense of ease and grace within relationships that are meant to be.  Also, the likelihood of Self-betrayal is diminished significantly, for when relationships work out, it guides us toward fulfilling our higher purpose.

As said in Course in Miracles,

“Whenever you feel fear in any form- and you are fearful if you do not feel a deep content, a certainty of help, a calm assurance Heaven goes with you, – be sure you made an idol, and believe it will betray you.  For beneath your hope that it will save you lie the guilt and pain of self-betrayal and uncertainty, so deep and bitter that the dream cannot conceal completely all your sense of doom.  Your self-betrayal must result in fear, for fear is judgement, leading surely to the frantic search for idols and for death.”



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