whats behind a guilt trip.

Lately, I’ve been experiencing what I have been perceiving as a number of “guilt trips.”

How I define a guilt trip is:

a perception or belief that someone is making me feel guilty, oftentimes with an intention to punish or teach me the consequences of my actions.

I have become more aware to know that guilt-trips are largely unconscious…

A lot of times we are feeding the pain, fear and guilt of the world by wanting people to feel guilty….and we don’t even know it.

I can only vaguely remember the first time I became aware of my projected guilt.  It was a few years ago, I was at Whole Foods and a woman gave me a dirty look.  In that moment, I started to make her wrong.  My ego-ic mind was so reactive to the thought of hers that I, essentially, shamed her for how she had responded to me.  I just remember the look of guilt on her face and instead of continuing on to make her wrong, in that moment, I felt guilty for how I had talked to her.

Many people have learned that projecting guilt is the best way to get their needs met…A lot of people project guilt to fulfill a need for safety, feeling supported, loved, connected…In general, underneath a guilty thought is a fear of losing something…

The reality is that guilt trips happen first because we have attacked ourselves.

Since not many minds are well trained to discern between the mind of God and Ego, there is crisis and confusion. Oftentimes, we don’t know what to do with our guilt, so we project it.  When we project it, we feel more guilty.
It is not because we are guilty that we project but because we are not self-sourcing, trusting in a higher power/purpose…many people do not have the tools to trust in their intuition and have a difficult time loving themselves.  Many people think that projecting guilt will rid them of their guilt; however, instead it gets stored in the subconscious and leaks out in different ways.

If we didn’t attack ourselves, we would deal with guilty thoughts in a different way. When we project it, we are often blaming, shaming and making wrong. Essentially, when we project, we react. But when we can experience the attack and look upon ourselves as innocent, we can be more equipped to respond. When we respond, we can be curious about any perceived attack.

A lot of times, when we attack, we are perceiving someone is attacking us.  To not perceive an attack as personal is to welcome consciousness into the perceived attack.

Top best things to do if the energy around someone produces feelings of guilt (not in any order)

1) Forgive: The best way to deal with guilt is to forgive. Forgiving what you are perceiving as the “attacker” and yourself will help you to reflect to others the miracle of Christ’s Consciousness. Forgiveness makes the world a better place.

2)Self Inquire and Self love tools: gather tools for self-care and love. Look for where you may be attacking yourself

3) Check in: Ask, “are you wanting me to feel guilty?”
4) Apologize for your part: you can at least apologize for their experience of you…
5) Imagine and ask what you may be feeling and needing; give yourself empathy
6) Imagine and ask what they may be feeling and needing; have compassion for unmet needs
7)Acknowledge what you like and appreciate
8) reassure or affirm your desire to be connected in the relationship

Are you afraid of honoring yourSelf by limiting your time with your partner?

This is what spirit is teaching me about honoring my time in relationship and love:

When one is in a place of need to honor oneself, the fear of love leaving may come up. Even when in love, where within relationship there is potency, depth and intimacy, the need for space is a requisite for sane, healthy and loving relationships to last.

The need for solitude and the balance of communing and co-creating with multiple energies are necessary consequences reflecting one’s commitment to live in love and to being in the present moment. However, in the transition of making special relationships into Holy love relationships, the choice and decision of where one places their energy can be a scary one. It may seem that love has left, and while the boundary or need for space may be what leads two to real communion when together, the feelings one or both have may be unsettling.

Depending on what is being created within a particular relationship will the need for space and time be determined. Sometimes the relationship will call for more time together and for other times, the relationship will call for less. Regardless, the need for alone time and communing with other creative energies, family, friends, and colleagues are necessary components to living in harmony.

The fear that arises may stem from the fear of love leaving, which of course, stems from what Course in Miracles calls, “the tiny mad idea,” or the moment in time when we decided to fall asleep, believing we are separate from God. The fear of love leaving or this “tiny mad idea” perpetuates a belief that love is external to our experience and therefore, changeable, fluctuating and in need of compromise.

The fear of love leaving is oftentimes what keeps relationships together; even when it is clearly not in service to the relationship. Not acting on one’s deeper longings and commitments, for example, due to this fear, is more likely to lead to resentments, feelings of guilt and fear that self-sabbotage one’s best efforts to living in love; this invariably prevents one from being present with their partner and with what they are creating.

Within relationship, it can be difficult to admit that the need for solitude and time with others is necessary. However, the courage and strength that is mustered to honor and love one’s need for “time” is far more beneficial for a relationship than one that is based on a fear of love leaving or being One Self.  Thus, within the relationship there is a need to remember that “love never leaves its source” and that within relationship, the decision to honor oneself is required to create and live in harmony.

Are you leaking your judgmental thoughts? 6 Steps for cleaning up!

Did you do something you regretted?  Say something that was judgmental and hurtful to someone else?  Are you feeling “bad” because you didn’t know that your questions or comments were going to hurt someone else’s feelings, making for feelings of seperation and lack?  Lets admit that to whatever degree, gossip happens and judgments leak.

No matter how perfect we try to be in this world, things happen that we don’t understand and therefore judge.  Our judgments can be given to God and released in the form of a prayer or blessing but oftentimes enough those emotions and wildly wondering thoughts become expressed in words and sound judgmental and hurtful to the receivers.

When this happens:

 1) Acknowledge your innocence.  It is likely that your question or judgment was coming from a place of wonder or fear.  In whatever case, its hard to say how an interpretation will land or be received.  If met with curiosity, the question or judgement can be an opportunity for deeper reflection.  If met with judgment and returned with fear, it can still be an opportunity for healing to occur.  Acknowledge your innocence and don’t make yourself wrong for being curious or reacting to a thought.

2) Forgive yourself and the experience:  Essentially the whole book of Course in Miracle’s primary teaching is forgiveness.  It is not because we have done things wrong that we need to forgive and be forgiven, but because forgiveness is an antidote to pain, suffering and separation.  When we are holding on to these things, we are mistaking them for being real.  In this error, we make more of what is not true, through our reactivities, fear and shame.  When we forgive, we are acknowledging the Truth, which is that everything is either a call for love or an extension of it.   In forgiveness of what isn’t real, we are creating miracles that allow people to experience God’s love on Earth.  Being forgiven and forgiving through prayer and a blessing is a medium to miracles that would otherwise not be as seen or acknowledged.  Oftentimes, it is in our humility and vulnerability that the power of forgiveness, love, is really experienced as a felt-sense.

3)  Hold the Seat of Love: When someone is in a separation story because of something you said, it is an opportunity to empathize and hold them in love.  Hear what the other has to say and imagine how they may have felt and what they may be needing.  Oftentimes, it is just to know that the words hurt and while you may feel “bad,” you can simply acknowledge the power that words have on people.

4)  Apologize and Acknowledge.  Ask yourself, do you need to apologize for what you said?  Is the other person needing some reassurance or acknowledgement that you can offer?  Even if you do not feel like what you said was wrong, its still o.k. to apologize and acknowledge.  While you don’t have to apologize for saying what you said, you can apologize for how your words landed or were interpreted.  Furthermore, acknowledging what is real and true helps us to instill positive affirmation in our minds and release separation.  Acknowledging is a form of a blessing that restores connection, peace and understanding.

5)  “Truth will correct all errors in my mind.”  Course in Miracles.  For 5-10 minutes integrate this thought and be with it.  Your shifting thoughts may bounce between fear and love, but eventually, Truth, Love, will help to disintegrate any extra fear or separation, reminding you that nothing real can be threatened when restored to love.  Generally, it is our being about our interpretations and judgments that create more of a mess of separation and fear.  If you can realize that the underlying story is one in which we all just want to feel safe and loved, then we can be more empowered to see that the power of Now is in restoring love, rather than continuing to make fear.

6)  Play and breath together: If you notice any extra energy- shame or fear hanging around, ask your companion, friend, lover…to wrestle with you.  Play like wild cats or kittens that want to connect in whatever way.  The point is to play.  Playing helps us to release excess charge, dissolving our beliefs in separation.  

Open Relationship: Distinguishing whether an open relationship is right for you?

Many times, people settle into monogamous relationships before they really feel ready.  This is often because we do not have mentors, peers or awareness to provide us with the insight and wisdom on how to manage open relationships.  The below article is something to consider upon entering an open relationship.  It is meant to provide clarity, inspiration and insight on the costs and benefits of being in an open relationship.

The benefit of open relationships:

• They offer an opportunity for the other to explore, to be fluid and Self-discover.  If one isn’t certain of the purpose or commitment of their lover or the direction that they share, open relationships can allow for gratitude without the attachment.  An open relationship allows us to stay true to our path while letting another stay true to theirs.   It reduces the expectation that you have to be someone you aren’t or don’t want to be.
• Especially when one is living in a separate town/city/state, open relationships allow people to be present to where they are.  They allow for relatings to take place that guide them and support the emergence of their higher selves.
• They may invite in more creative energy that inspires and lights our path.  When we relate to more than one person, it can be inspiring.  Instead of attaching to one person there can be more opportunity to learn, grow, and meet our needs or desires.
•  helps us heal.  Especially if one is experiencing the scarcity syndrome of love or if their past relationships didn’t allow enough freedom, open relationship can offer freedom that builds trust and is therefore healing.
• They allow for deeper relationships to be powerfully chosen.  Instead of sticking with one person after a short time of being together, open relationships allow people to meet other people.  Meeting other people gives us flavor and seasons to our lives, so that when 2 powerful synergetic people come together for a purpose, it becomes more clear.  Without experiencing many people, one may not be so clear in deciding their life direction and who they most want to spend it with or who most resonates with the path or the direction they wish to go.
• keeps things light and playful.  Relating with more than just one can be fun!
• raises the standards within oneself.  When people are relating openly and sexually with more than one partner, it raises the bar for safe sex conversations, hygiene and overall for one’s spiritual growth.  Raising the standard in relationship pressurizes one’s need to grow.  It can have a profound impact on the insight and willingness to be a better person within oneself.  Having an open relationship can allow for more opportunity to self-discover, to work on issues such as possessiveness, jealousy and control which can therefore deepen one’s self-awareness and presence.
• through open relationships, one can discover what they really want without being confined to the demands or expectations of another.  Through having an open relationship, one can develop more honesty and fluidity to make mistakes.  A lot of times people in closed relationship take each other for granted; although it is not always the case, instead of processing the necessary emotions to allow freedom, one ends up attaching or “sacrificing” to meet the emotional needs or neediness of their lover or partner.

The “costs” of open relationships:

-it can be less comfortable:  when you or your lover are relating with multiple people then it can be less comfortable.  This uncomfortable feeling can be uprooting and it can make it more difficult to fully see a lover/partner. The comfort of knowing your partner/lover is available and rooted in your relating can support the harnessing of more sacred power, higher learning and self-discovery depending on whether each person is clear and on path about why they are together.  Open relationships can make for less depth so you may not see as clearly or deeply as you like.

-there may be less intimacy: if one isn’t able to deepen in a relationship, one may ask “is there a fear that is preventing me from deepening in my experience of intimacy?”  All intimacy is intimacy with OneSelf; so if one isn’t able to deepen presence- love and intimacy, with any or all of their lovers, if they are constantly fleeting, unable to handle emotional experiences then it is possible that the open relationship is serving the ego more than the Truth.

-time consumption: having an open relationship can be time-consuming.  If one wants to focus on other areas of life and if the demands on the relationship aren’t clear, one can be pulled in many directions.

-more emotional processes: with being “open,” there is less security.  This can make a need for emotional processes to occur.  While emotional processes are a good thing for healing, undoing and remembering, if one isn’t enough aware, the emotional processes can be debilitating, time consuming and frustrating.  This can make it more challenging to focus on other things that are important in one’s life, such as career advancement, professional development, children, ect.

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While open relationship can certainly add creative energy, more love, intimacy and freedom to one’s life, ultimately one must discern the relatings in which they choose to enter an open relationship with.  For example, if one partner is not interested in working through the processes of open relationships, if they are desirous of something different, and/or if they have more demands on the relationship than the other is able to meet, one may want to consider whether the open relationship is really the best thing for their growth at this time.

In creating a healthy open relationship, it is recommended that:

-the people in the relationship get along.  Lovers can hang out with each other and get along.  If this is possible then the relatings are really serving everyone- adding more love and intimacy to each other’s lives.

-their is more commitment to oneness than to separation: lovers are accepting and/or at least honoring of the other relationships their lovers are in

-their is clear communication.  It is good to know what to anticipate from the relating.  How much time can they spend with you?  What are they wanting from the relationship?  What are they available for and what aren’t they available for?  For example, if  you or your partner aren’t available to emotionally process with each other all the time, which is not recommended, then it is wise to communicate that.

-each person you are relating with is mature and taking responsibility for themselves.  While relationships require communication, getting clear and checking in, expressing hurt feelings, ect. it is equally wise to consider whether this person is committed to learning, processing their own feelings or finding someone else to process with.

The difference between open relationship and dating:

As opposed to dating, open relationships generally consist of deepened intimacy.  While dating is often consisting of “figuring out” whether your partner is a good fit or not, open relationships generally have more potency, more experience and more intimacy between lovers.  If one is just dating, then it may be wise to consider the recommendations of how to manage an open relationship even still.

Spirit: where no ego lives

Do you ever notice that you are fighting with yourself.  While gurus and spiritual teachers, myself included, talk about these 2 minds- ego and Self- its equally important to recognize that as stated in Course in Miracles,

 

“Salvation comes from my one Self”

 

Lets face it, it is hard to fight, taxing on the body, mind and spirit.  When we are working to undo our fearful thoughts, which the ego really needs to hold onto, then it is difficult to really receive the healing, gentle and loving nature of the One Self.  When we are fighting, we are not accepting and we are not trusting; it is from acceptance and trust that joy, peace, and love, a.k.a. salvation, reside.

 

So here is another teaching:

 

there is no ego.

 

My friend visited and brought this to me this weekend.  At first, I resisted this teaching because I have seen many miracles happen while going beyond my ego’s fearful thought system.  At the same time, what is being said is similar to the Course’s teachings that until I can recognize the Spirit as the One Self, until I can trust and accept the I AM, then peace or salvation can not reign here on Earth.

 

Being perfect is a fundamental Truth of who we are in Spirit.  However, if we want to focus on our bodies, how much our bodies can be perfect, then we divide ourselves.  Firstly, this is due to the fact that there are infinite ways to grow and stretch; our imperfections, as seen in the body’s eyes, will always limit our thinking if we focus there for too long.  With that said, focus today on the Spirit- by focusing on the Spirit, the energy of joy, peace, happiness, love and freedom,  the ego can not touch us.  When we focus on the spirit, we are going beyond the ego into no ego, into the One Self where also “salvation” lives.  In other words, when we focus on the spirit of peace, joy and love, then we are resonating within a state of grace, of Heaven, thus bringing more of it to the world.  

 

Be happy!!  En- JOY!!!

 

Confusion as the precipice of new experience and the Unforgiving Mind

Confusion as the precipice of new experience and the Unforgiving Mind.

Emotional Sex and the Special Love Relationship

Emotional Sex and the Special Love Relationship.

In Relinquishing Special Love: Transforming Special Love to Holy Love

One seeming dilemma in transforming the special love relationship into a holy one is the potential  loss of excitement and enthusiasm of receiving “special” attention from one significant other.  When one is on a journey to create and manifest more holy relationship(s) in their own life, that is in complete honesty and authenticity to One Self, then what they are really doing is turning heat and passion for a body (or bodies) over to God’s will, which is in loving and accepting people as they are, despite the ego’s desire to be more significant or more special than another.

While the world’s view of love has thus far been based on meeting conditions, which is emotional, the Holy love relationship is primarily about living in the heart, which generally requires at times the ability to let go of one’s own desires and rise in love, accepting and loving people wherever they may be.  With this said, the rising in love of relationships, meeting people, accepting them, honoring them for being honest with themselves, will automatically transmute emotional love energy into conscious love energy, from passion to the body over to passion to implement God’s will, which is at its foundation based on friendliness.

Emotional love energy fuels most relationships, conscious or otherwise.  However, emotional love energy is also often less mature, fleeting and based on neediness, fear and shame.  It is also more passionate, heating, and destructive.  When connected to the heart, emotional love energy fuels higher purpose, Self-expression and freedom.  A good deal of us struggle between living in the heart and living by our emotions.  While living in the heart will expand our capacity to experience emotions, living for our emotions will make it more challenging to live in our heart.

Thus, the challenge happens with the onslaught of doubt; when the spiritual warrior or the miracle-minded begin to question God’s boundless love for them.  Remembering that God’s love is boundless and all we really want, we are able to open up to the freedom that offering boundless love brings to us.  Only then can we truly experience the bliss, joy and happiness that the release from the special relationship can bring.  When we can remember the state in which we are free by extending love to another, our happiness and bliss will expand.  However, when we doubt that by offering boundless love to another that we are better off, freer and happier, then we are more likely to become resentful, manipulative, controlling and possessive, completely reactive to our emotional turmoil over not feeling special enough.

 

In Truth, the degree to which one can be released from fear of not maintaining a special relationship, the more real love will enter, not just in the form of true and lasting friendships, but also in the experience of greater devotion and life purpose, a deeper sense of reason to be here on Earth than ever before.  While the relinquishment of the special relationship may bring up unconscious fear, shame and guilt, the undoing of it, will inevitably lead to the fulfillment of purposeful relationships, both rooted in Spirit and in Love.

 Whenever you are challenged, unenthusiastic, or feeling a shift in perception that creates discomfort or doubt in you, ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?  Is it the body or the Truth?  Am I discontent because I yearn for emotional love and acceptance, to feel special by another or because I am mistrusting that God’s love is boundless and will not bring to me the sense of peace and joy that I long?”

Affirmation:

“Remembering God’s love is boundless and by extending the Truth, which is love, to another, I am made freer.  I willingly release this fear of not being special and give it to God.  Through this, I am made freer.”

Are your complaints disempowering you? Are you running the same story in your head?

Every complaint has a gift.  If we think of a complaint in terms of higher purpose and as something that has already happened, then we will view  our complaint, or pain, as something we chose to work on in this life.  All complaints, when powerfully chosen, lead to higher purpose; they can not bring us anywhere but closer to love.  When a complaint, story or disempowering belief is not powerfully chosen, then it is because it is still teaching us; we have not experienced enough pain to drop the story.

In order to drop the story of a complaint, it seems to be difficult.  Indeed, even if one were to consistently try, the story or disempowering belief will still come up.  This is because our complaints have lessons- universal teachings- that we are meant to learn and embody.  The more we learn the teaching, the more we embody and teach it to the world.  While partly we teach to learn, it is also true that various trials and “tests” will occur to help us embody the universal teaching to a larger degree.

As said in Course in MIracles, “Who are Gods Teachers,”

               “They come from all over the world.  They come from all religions and from no religion.  THey are the ones who have answered.  The Call is universal. It goes on all the time everywhere.  It calls for teachers to speak for It and redeem the world.  Many hear It, but few will answer.  Yet it is all a matter of time.  Everyone will answer in the end, but the end can be a long, long way off.  It is because of this that the plan of the teachers was established.  Their function is to save time.  Each one begins as a single light, but with the Call at its center it is a light that can not be limited.  And each one saves a thousand years of time as the world judges it.  To the Call Itself times has no meaning…There is a course for every teacher of God…Its central theme is always “God’s Son is guiltless, and in his innocence is his salvation…It does not matter who the teacher was before he heard the Call.  He has become a savior by his answering.  He has seen someone else as himself.  He has therefore found his own salvation and the salvation of the world.  In his rebirth is the world reborn.”

Without our stories, complaints or limiting beliefs, we would not be here.  However, the teachers of God, as talked about in the Course, are those whom choose to see their complaint in a light that eventually will become brighter.  This light becomes stronger as soon as the teacher looks inside and asks, “What do I have to learn from this experience?”  “What universal truth is Creation calling me to teach/embody?”  The light grows when the teacher has passed enough tests to see the universal theme consistent in the teaching and to respond with love, without needing to react out of fear or shame.

With this said,

Is their a disempowering story, complaint or belief that you are running in your head?

If so, ask:

“What do I have to learn from this experience?”

“How do I react to this thought/belief/story/complaint?”

“What universal teaching/truth is Creation calling me to teach/embody?”

“Is there anything I need to say or do (respond to) in order to have this teaching be more integrated within me?”

Write down this teaching on paper.  Read it to learn it.

When relationships don’t last or never begin: the gift

Sometimes there is pain in relationships that do not last and/or never begin.  We, often, project our pain as a story that means something about who we are as deficient, flawed or otherwise less than or too much.  The pain from a relationship that doesn’t last or never begins usually entails an experience of a forbidden love, an unavailable emotional bond, and a lack of feeling special.  “Why can’t the other be available?”  “Do they not see?”  “Are they blind?”  “What is the problem?”  “What is wrong with me?”  “What is wrong with them?”

At times, we people, living the singled life, can frustrate ourselves with thoughts of the unrelenting love that just won’t show up in our lives.  Our emotions then create commotion in our lives that make it difficult to really be fully present to the power of now.

I have realized overtime that falling for unavailable men has been a great gift.  While it is admittedly heart wrenching at times to want to explore in partnership with another being of like-mind, who is not available, the value of falling for unavailable men has been extremely insightful, allowing me time to reflect and heal.

The gift that the emotionally unavailable offer:

1) Insight one:  Relationships aren’t available for good reason.  Many times, people carry emotional baggage/wounds from incomplete relationships.  When a relationship moves too fast, they pass them onto their lovers.  This makes it more difficult to realize purpose.

2) Insight two: In chasing the unavailable, the fantasy of them can become disappointing when they do become available.  This puts things in perspective that living in fantasy land is really not the most productive use of time and energy.

3) Insight three: Falling for the unavailable and realizing the above things helps us to become more present to life NOW.  We can notice when we are in fantasy land faster and so choose whether we really want to be in it or not.  Also, we become more accepting of what is and although we don’t know why the relationship didn’t work out, we can be more comfortable and trusting of the unknown.  I have found the application, “I do not know my own best interest,” from a course in Miracles to be extremely helpful in this context.

4) Insight 4: Falling for the unavailable brings up emotional material that is an opportunity to heal.  The fear of aloneness for example is an awareness that ultimately allows the spiritual warrior within to emerge, thus to be more capable of living alone, developing a more harmonious and healthy relationship within.  The awareness of our mistrust of being connected to a higher source or purpose, also, allows us an opportunity to shift our perspective into seeking a higher purpose; through this, we become inspired.

5) Insight 5: Falling for what’s not available and getting upset about it is a form of self-betrayal stemming from fear or a lack of feeling connected to One’s higher purpose.  When we idolize people to be more for us than they are, we leave ourselves.  We compromise the integrity of knowing who we are as with a purpose.  We forget that our higher purpose is guiding us in all that we do and leak energy for the sake of thinking someone else is better.  Self-betrayal stems from mistrust in Source and fear of the unknown.  When someone is not available, then it is helpful to consider that it is because their higher purpose does not serve our own at the time.  When relationships are meant to work out, then they do; there is a sense of ease and grace within relationships that are meant to be.  Also, the likelihood of Self-betrayal is diminished significantly, for when relationships work out, it guides us toward fulfilling our higher purpose.

As said in Course in Miracles,

“Whenever you feel fear in any form- and you are fearful if you do not feel a deep content, a certainty of help, a calm assurance Heaven goes with you, – be sure you made an idol, and believe it will betray you.  For beneath your hope that it will save you lie the guilt and pain of self-betrayal and uncertainty, so deep and bitter that the dream cannot conceal completely all your sense of doom.  Your self-betrayal must result in fear, for fear is judgement, leading surely to the frantic search for idols and for death.”